First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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