The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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