remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I have fence marks all over my body
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
