Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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