I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
