I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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