kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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