my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
