these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
