i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
