And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
