I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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