so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
