Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
