I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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