I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
