K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
