saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She's the barista slut.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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