I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
lol hangovers are for mortals.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
