Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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