And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize