Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
