did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
