god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
