I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize