There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
