mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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