I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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