I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
