walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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