false alarm. still invincible.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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