Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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