The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
