Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
