On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize