the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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