So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
