once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
