Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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