Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
