i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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