Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
