This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
