you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
