Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
