hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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