I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
