Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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