wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
