God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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