could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize