My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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