Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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