My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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