I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
this hospital has no fireball
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
