dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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