Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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