She went from zero to smokin in five shots
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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