Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
