you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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