so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
